Blowjob Etiquette – A Guide For Guys On How Not To Ruin It

Blowjob, BJ, blowjay, fellatio, felaysh, head, suck job, going down, brain, hoover, play the skin flute – whatever you want to call it, all men know that getting one is pretty much the pinnacle of existence and the greatest thing in the history of the world.

They are so damn good, that even the average ones, hell, even the bad ones, are still pretty good, and I’m not ashamed to admit that if I could do it myself, I probably would…

But, when you do eventually find a girl willing enough to let you put your pee-pee in her mouth, it can be a momentous and joyous occasion. What’s important though, is not letting the occasion get to you, whilst remembering and being mindful of the fact that one wrong move could blow it all for you (no pun intended).

There have been numerous sexual faux pas I’ve made over the course of getting a blowjob, and I’ve decided to bring them all to your attention so you won’t make the same mistakes I have.

These are the things you should avoid at all costs when getting a blowjob – men, read it and take note. Girls, laugh at how many of these you’ve experienced before:

1. Leaving your pubes completely untamed

‘Poor preparation prevents perfect performance’ – that’s what I was told in school and never has it been more applicable here. If you look the part, you’ll probably play the part – which is why you should take the time to engage in a little ‘manscaping’ so it doesn’t look like a babies’ thumb poking through a bush. My advice is to avoid full porn star look though, as it’ll end up looking like the last turkey in the butcher’s window.

2. Forgetting to shower beforehand

This happened to me once when I’d been out all day and later hooked up with a girl. It’s highly embarrassing, and in the end I had to pretend to fall asleep because I knew I had a serious case of ‘Betty Swallocks.’ Make the time to shower, and if you can’t, at least wash your balls in a sink somewhere.

3. Wearing the worst boxers ever

You’re not thirteen anymore – which means Spider-Man/Woody Woodpecker/Homer Simpson boxers are simply not acceptable. Enjoy those things on your own time, not on a girls’ watch. You would NEVER see David Beckham or David Gandy wearing something like that – and loads of girls fancy them – so you shouldn’t either.

4. Getting annoyed if they ask you to wear a condom

Dicks aren’t great – I’ve got one – so I know. I also know where they can get to, so if a girl isn’t happy about giving you a blowjob without a condom on – it’s perfectly understandable – because I wouldn’t want to put my mouth around your dick either. Granted, it’s not the best experience using one, but don’t complain you fool, be thankful you’re getting one in the first place.

5. Expecting to get a one just because she’s on her period and it’s her job to make it up to you

Contrary to what you may believe, she hasn’t conveniently timed being on her period when you are at your horniest – it’s just nature doing its level best to royally fuck you over, that’s all. In this state, she may not want to suck you off (depending on the female), and guess what boys, it ain’t her job to do so.

6. Be distracted by your phone/TV/wandering mind

Look, I’m the world’s worst for this – when I’m having sex I will literally think of everything other than me having sex, and ironically, when I’m not having sex, all I can think of is me having sex. But trust me, if you aren’t focused and are generally disengaged, she will be able to tell, so just tear yourself away from the TV, or the thought of what you are having for tea, and enjoy the nice lady sucking on your penis.

7. Make really weird/prolonged eye contact

I find it weird when I’m on the tube in the morning and catch someone’s eye; we both know it happened, and for that one second it’s like we could see into each other’s soul, and you’ll spend the remainder of the journey trying your best to not let it happen again. Now, imagine that same unnerving feeling, but when you are getting a blowjob. Not fun. Don’t get me wrong, some eye-contact during oral is good, just don’t let it get creepy, otherwise it’ll just be like that awful commute every single time.

8. Using her ears as handlebars

Ears are classed as an erogenous zone, and ear-play during sex is great – particularly when someone breathes heavily into them or gently nibbles on your lobe. They are not, however, handlebars for you to aggressively hold onto and rip off some poor girl’s head. Best to just keep away from them to be honest.

9. Pushing their head down as far as you can

You know what they should teach you in sex education in school? Where the fuck to put your hands during a BJ. Behind your head, to the side, on her head, across your chest – where?! What you shouldn’t do is try your hardest to push their head down on you as hard as you can – some girls may enjoy it, but for most, it’s a pretty painful/unpleasant process. Girls have a gag reflex too you know.

10. Comparing her technique to an ex

‘Yeah it’s good and everything, but try sucking on my balls for a bit, that’s what (insert ex-girlfriend’s name) used to do.‘ That’ll turn a blow job into a no job in almost no time at all.

11. Filming it without permission

Yeah, you want to remember this amazing BJ for the rest of your life, but hey, that’s what the ‘wank bank’ is for. Pulling out a phone to start filming without the girl’s permission is going to go down like a lead balloon and ruin it all for you (not to mention it’s really weird and inappropriate). Just be cool, man.

12. Farting

Sometimes this is completely out of your hands, and can spontaneously happen if you get a little too excited. If they do the honour of putting a finger up there (which I always encourage), then you’ve got to be extra careful that a little cheeky one doesn’t slip out.

13. Thinking you’re in a porno

Blowjobs always look so much better in porn than they are in real-life, but I guess the people involved should be good at them, given that they are literally paid to do it. The girls you’ll be with probably won’t be getting paid (well, for some of you) so don’t expect them to start spitting and slobbering all over it like you’ve seen in the dirty movies. Similarly, be careful about thrusting too hard, these girls aren’t professionals. You wouldn’t like it, would you?

14. Falling asleep

Nothing says ‘Honey, you’re doing a great job, keep going’ than being in Snoresville before she’s had the chance to work her magic. She’s been selfless enough to go down on you, so the least you could do is stay awake for it.

15. Letting it go on forever

I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that your chosen head giver doesn’t have a jaw of steel, which means that after a prolonged period of sucking and licking, her tongue/jaw is going to be killing. Remember, a blowjob is a form of foreplay – as in, before sex; either cum, or crank it up a notch and suggest having sex – she will probably be glad of the respite. Also, the longer you go, the less time you’re gonna last during sex, so it’s in the interest of both parties to not let it drag out.

16. Giving no warning sign when you’re about to jizz

I hate surprises, and I’d especially hate someone ejaculating on me without prior warning. I mean, who would like a warm-gooey stream of semen being jetted out onto them without some mention of when it was going to happen? Whether it’s a tap on the shoulder or you declaring ‘I’M GOING TO CUM’ at the top of your voice, just give your partner a little ‘heads up’ that’s all. It’s just good manners at the end of the day.

17. Getting really pissed off if she doesn’t swallow

Like finishing on someone’s face, it isn’t really your place to say what she should do with it once she’s got it out of you. I know it’s a littleoffensive if she spits it back at you, but then again, I’d probably do the same too. Best to respect her decision and move on.

18. Refusing to kiss her after

Sorry, lads, but after all that hard work she’s just done on your little man, the least she might expect is a kiss. As a rule of thumb, if it’s come out of you, you should be able to try it. Getting her to brush her teeth is a big no-no, so you’re just going to have to suck it up and taste a bit of it. Most lads have tried their own cum at one time or another anyway, so it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

19. Not repaying the favour.

No one likes a selfish c*nt. If you’re going to be bold enough to request a blowjob, you’re going to have to be man enough to repay the favour and give her the old tongue twister downstairs. She may not even want you to, but just by showing willing, you will be straight in her good books. Relationships, and sex, are reciprocal and you don’t want her to think you’re all take, take, take/me, me, me. She should find that out in her own time.

Hopefully this guide to proper blowjob etiquette will help you all in your efforts for the perfect blowjob experience.

Can you think of anything else that you should avoid? Let us know in the comments below!

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